Watch Me Fall Apart
by immafishcracker
Summary: They're going home. They are really, truly going back to that big, blue and green ball of life that Lance calls home. It feels like a dream after so long in space, but he knows it isn't. He knows because he asked Pidge three times if it was until she told him to shut up and leave her alone. Langst Post Season Six (written before Season Seven)


**Notes:** In honor of Season Seven, I bestow thee with a royal crap ton of Langst.

This can be read as Klance, or just platonic,

This will all become obsolete tomorrow morning, but enjoy it anyways (:

* * *

They're going home. They are really, truly going back to that big, blue and green ball of life that Lance calls home. It feels like a dream after so long in space, but he knows it isn't. He knows because he asked Pidge three times if it was until she told him to shut up and leave her alone.

Lance doesn't know whether to scream, dance, or cry. In the end he does none of these things (God knows he's cried enough today), but there's this floaty feeling in his chest like his heart is swelling to twice it's natural size. It feels weird and cramped, but it's lighter than he's felt in weeks and he'll take what he can get.

His cheeks are on fire from grinning so much, but he honestly can't help it. He's finally going to see his family, he's going to see the rain and eat human food and do all the things that have haunted his dreams since they left the stupid garrison. Lance turns to ask whoever's standing closest to him what they're going to do first when they get back, and his stomach drops to his feet when he finds no one there.

Pidge and Hunk, his two best friends from the Garrison, are making a list of things they'll have to bring with them for their trip. This includes a long spiel of complicated mechanical parts that he doesn't know the words for in English. Allura and Coran are doting over Shiro, who still looks absolutely drained. Lance guesses (no, not guesses, he knows) that's what being killed and brought back to life does to you. Romelle and Krolia are talking to Keith (not as if they haven't had two years to get cozy with each other) about Earth and what they'll see there.

They all have someone, except Lance, and suddenly he feels very very alone, and very very small. His smile falls just a little bit, and he feels dazed. He's known he's an extra wheel for ages, long before Keith left, long before Shiro left, long before anyone in his miserably average life left him. He's had years to come to terms with it, yet it still stings.

He slips away from the group before anyone can see his smile slip completely away. He escapes to Red, ignoring the longing he knows the cat feels for another paladin, a paladin who's older, stronger, better than he is, a paladin who is laughing outside with his recently reunited mother. He lies on the floor and tries to pretend he's crying because he is happy.

Lance wonders if anyone will notice he's gone.

* * *

The next morning, or at least a few hours later (time is hard in space), everyone meets for a meal and a run-down of the journey ahead of them. Allura wants to discuss their plan right away, but Hunk insists they'll think better with full stomachs (and be significantly less grouchy) Shiro wins them over to breakfast by offhandedly mentioning that he hasn't actually eaten anything since his death.

So they all gather around a makeshift campfire and enjoy the warm breakfast while it lasts, because Hunk says after this they'll have to start rationing their food. Lance takes his plate and sits down in the nearest open spot, which just so happens to be next to Keith.

He gets halfway through the meal before he realizes that the other boy (man? How old is Keith now? Lance doesn't know) is staring at him. Lance tries to ignore it, but Keith isn't looking away and didn't anyone teach him it's rude to stare?

"What? Is there something on my face?" He asks irritably, because it's still early dammit and he's allowed to be grouchy.

"Your hair…" Keith mumbles, brushing at his own mess of raven hair.

It hits Lance like a slap to the face: he didn't save any of his skin or hair products from the castle. He hasn't done his night routine or his morning routine. His face is probably puffy from crying last night. He probably has dark eyebags because who has time for sleep anymore? Worst of all, his hair is most definitely curly.

There's a reason Lance keeps his hair so short. He used to wear it longer, but his curls were next to unmanageable. Not to mention all the teasing they attracted at school. So he cut it. If he kept it short enough, he didn't have to worry about it getting frizzy or looking a mess.

The thing is, there aren't exactly a lot of hair stylists in space, and he sure as hell doesn't trust any of the other paladins with his hair, so he had resorted to cutting what he can and straightening the rest every morning.

Except he left his straightener in his bathroom. On the castle. Before it imploded. Great.

He runs a hand through his hair and sure enough, curls. "Shit," he mumbles to himself. It's loud enough for the others to hear (now they hear him), and Keith has this stupid smirk on his face that makes Lance furious.

"Oh my god, Lance! You're adorable!" Oh no, Hunk has noticed. Now they're all looking at him.

Keith leans forward and laughs like it's the funniest thing he's ever seen in his life. Lance has never seen him laugh so hard. He's shocked, pleased, and irate all at the same time and he hates it.

"Shut up," Lance hisses and punches Keith's shoulder to get him to stop, but Keith doesn't stop and Lance now has a sore hand because Keith is built like a freaking brick wall now.

"What… happened… to it?" Keith gasps between guffaws.

Lance's cheeks are burning and he's sure somewhere, somehow, his grandmother is watching him and laughing about karma. He never should have said a thing about Keith's atrocious hair. He hasn't said anything about Krolia's terror inducing rat-tail, but it's been a near thing.

"I-I left my straightener in the castle," He moans, clasping his hands over his eyes.

Suddenly there are tiny hands on his head, running through his hair, and he hears Pidge's snort from behind him, "You straighten your hair?"

"Either that or cut it, and sorry, but I don't trust any of you with scissors near my head." Lance suspects Pidge cut her hair herself, judging by the ragged tips. He's been itching to take some scissors to that mess, but who has time for haircuts when you're fighting in an intergalactic space war?

"That's fair," Pidge shrugs.

"Paladins, focus," Allura growls from across the campfire. She's been on edge ever since their fight with Lotor, and while Lance understands that she still feels guilty for not seeing how messed the Galran prince was and hurt by being used, but he can't help but feel irritable at the Princess's snappiness, "We have more important things to discuss. The journey to your planet is going to be difficult. Without the castle we cannot travel great distances quickly anymore."

And just like that, the attention moves from his hair to whatever crap they need to get done before they can finally get home. Pidge and Hunk are chattering with Coran about something sciency that Lance cannot follow in English. He wonders if they even know that he passed his astrophysics class (of course they do, It's a required class after all) or if they just think he's stupid. Either way, he has no desire to try and translate so many technical terms to his native Spanish, and the conversation fades to some garbled blur in his head as he pokes uninterestedly at his food.

Allura brings up the topic of Sendak (is that guy still alive? How many times does Lance have to shoot him?) and Keith and Krolia immediately respond with some rant about killing him before he can gain too many more followers. Lance is as bored with this conversation as the last. They already know all of this, and no one is asking any of the right questions, no one cares what he thinks, so he sees no point in listening.

Apparently Allura does, because after a few minutes she calls Lance out on his inattention.

"Lance, are you listening?" The words are sharp with disapproval, and Lance tells himself that she's still just awkward around him because of his incessant flirting (even though he quit before Lotor died).

"Sorry, Princess," He says, but it doesn't sound as snarky as he wanted it to. Just tired.

Allura doesn't notice. "It is unacceptable for a paladin of Voltron to be so irresponsible as to ignore planning meetings. Can you not tell how important this is? Are you not capable of taking one thing in your life seriously?"

Her lectures are harsher than usual, but Lance knows it's not her fault. She's been through enough. She doesn't deserve to have some half-assed pilot who can't focus for half a second on her team. She's stuck with him anyways.

Keith is giving Lance an odd look, but Lance ignores him. Keith has been away for too long, has forgotten that this is just how it is. It's easier to be angry than it is to be scared or sad or hurt, and Lance is the perfect person to take the anger out on. He's too happy-go-lucky for his own good, and he won't even try to defend himself anymore.

Maybe Keith hasn't forgotten. Maybe it just wasn't like this before Lotor and the clone, but Lance can't remember anymore.

"Allura," Shiro speaks up for the first time, his eyes blazing with confusion and disappointment though Lance doesn't understand why, "that's enough. We're all exhausted, there's no reason to shout at Lance. That's not how a team works."

Allura's eyes widen in surprise, as if she's just now realizing what she's doing. Lance understands her shock. He'd never thought Shiro would stand up for him. Most of the time Shiro was the one who'd been yelling. Or was that just the clone? Lance honestly can't tell anymore, he's too tired.

"I… I apologize, Lance. That was unfair of me."

"S'alright, Princess." Lance mutters. He stands up, leaving his untouched plate of food on the ground. "Thanks for breakfast, Hunk. I'm gonna go check on Kaltenecker." He knows they're staring at him and feels like a coward for not sticking around and riding out the insults, but he has no desire to sit around and be ignored, so he leaves.

Lance doesn't hear the whispers of concern that follow him.

* * *

It's the first Galran ship they've encountered since the battle with Lotor. They're still not sure where all the empire falls now that their emperor is dead, but they need information on Sendak and Pidge needs a way to get in contact with Matt to tell him that they're going home, so they infiltrate the ship. Of course, none of them had been planning to trip the alarms, but given their luck, Lance would have been surprised if something hadn't gone wrong.

It would have been easier with the whole team there, but someone has to watch the lions and the supplies, so it's just Lance, Keith, Pidge, and Allura. Pidge is busy hacking into the ship, so the actual fighting falls to the other three.

Light flashes through the hold as Allura flings her whip at the closes centuries and Keith warps with his wolf. All of it is making it difficult for Lance to land any shots. He can't aim if he can't see. It's all he can do to keep up a steady stream of blaster fire, but it's still not enough.

The others are taking down Galra left and right, and it makes Lance feel a little more than useless. His weapon is meant to be used at long ranges, not close like this.

"Got it! Let's get out of here!" Pidge's voice rings through his earpiece, and Lance shoots one last droid before turning to follow the other three back to the hangar where the Black Lion is parked.

They're halfway there when Lance hears a predatory growl from behind him and Keith screams, "Lance! Watch out!"

He turns far enough to see the Galra commander coming at him in the corner of his eye, and raises his bayard to defend, but he can already tell it's too late. There's no way for him to aim fast enough. Lance swings his blaster anyways in a half conscious effort to keep the yellow-eyed creep away from him. Halfway through the swing, his bayard dissolves into light, reforming into a sword.

In one go, the Galra is slashed into two separate pieces.

Pidge freezes, staring at the mass of blood spattered across the floor, a quiet "Woah…" slipping from her lips. Even Keith has stopped to stare at the weapon in Lance's hand.

Allura, however, is unphased. "Paladins! We must hurry!"

It snaps them back into the moment, and they leap through the air-locking doors into the hangar. Black crouches down, opening her mouth to grant her paladins entrance.

Lance can't help but glance at the blood staining his otherwise white armor as Keith takes the controls. He's never killed anyone up close before. It feels completely different from sniping. His skin is cold and his heart's beating much faster than what seems possible.

Is this how the others feel when they fight?

* * *

When Keith walks into the cockpit of the Red Lion, Lance is sitting upside down in the pilot's chair. His back is on the seat and his legs are dangling over the shoulders, the headrest between his knees. His head is dangling underneath the control panel, where he can see ten thousand years worth of dust bunnies, and his hand is hanging somewhere near the foot pedals.

It's not exactly comfortable, per se, and he doesn't remember how he got into such a position, but Lance doesn't have the energy to move so he makes it work.

Keith raises an eyebrow at the taller (taller? Is Lance still the taller one? He hasn't thought to check yet) boy's position, but doesn't ask. Lance tries to ignore the spike of excitement he can feel from Red, who's ecstatic to have her old pilot back inside her.

"Can I talk to you?" He asks, and his voice is level, confident even. He has an emotional maturity that Lance hadn't seen in him before the Blade. Those two years with Krolia must have done more good to Keith's self-esteem than Lance had previously thought.

Lance shrugs, which must look strange upside down, and gestures to the open floor, "Sure." He doesn't even try to sound upbeat. He's just too tired to fake it right now.

Keith sits down and leans back against one of the control panels. He purses his lips as if he's planning what he's going to say next, something Lance has never seen Keith do before.

"So… we're going back to Earth." Earth. Not home, Earth. Lance knows that Earth has never been home for Keith. Keith's family is out here in space. He's made a home for himself here, with Krolia, or the Blade, or the rest of Voltron. Lance suddenly feels like he and Keith live on a completely different plane of reality.

"Yeah…"

Keith looks surprised at Lance's unenthusiastic reply, "I thought you'd be more excited."

So had Lance.

"I am excited…" Lance's voice trails off at the end, so it sounds less like a definitive fact and more like an unfinished sentence.

"But?" Keith prods, and Lance wants to talk to him. He really does, but he's also learned to keep his mouth shut. No one wants to hear from the stupid Cuban boy. Everyone has more important things to think about.

"Nothing. I'm excited, alright?" A bitterness seeps into Lance's tone that he hadn't meant to show.

Keith looks bewildered and a little frightened. He's never had to convince Lance to talk. He wonders what happened to Lance's happy-go-lucky attitude while he was away from the team.

There's a long silence that Lance finally breaks with a sigh.

He sits up, wrapping his arms around the back of the chair to steady himself, "It's just, what if the Galra attack Earth? I mean, the whole reason we haven't gone back yet is so they don't follow us, right? Has that really changed? What if we go back just to get the world blown up?"

Keith opens his mouth to say something, then furrows his eyebrows and shuts it again.

Lance plows on, "What if we go back and the military arrests us? We didn't exactly leave on the best terms. What if a hundred years have passed and everyone we know is dead?"

"I didn't think of any of that." Keith frowns, staring at Lance with a confused gaze, "Why didn't you say anything this morning when we were talking about it?

Lance looks away, his voice low, "I didn't want to get kicked out."

"Lance, those are all really good points. You're a part of the team, no one's going to kick you out of a conversation because you have something to say."

Lance laughs, he actually laughs at Keith's naivety about the team. It's a cold, lifeless laugh that makes Keith flinch. "Hasn't stopped them before."

Keith's mouth drops open in horror, and he sharply inhales, "They… they haven't… they haven't actually kicked you out, have they?"

"A few times. Once I got in a fight with Lotor, and a couple with the clone."

"Thats-"

And suddenly this is all too touchy and raw, and Lance doesn't want to talk about it anymore. He hasn't cried today and he isn't about to start now.

"Nevermind, just forget it. I'm fine."

"Lance, that's not-"

"I said forget it, Keith."

Keith's mouth snaps shut and the cockpit falls silent again. Lance has the sudden urge to apologize for being so severe, but he really doesn't want to return to the conversation so he doesn't.

There's a long couple minutes before Keith starts talking again.

"So, how long have you had the sword?"

Something flickers in Lance's stomach, an excitement to be talking about something good, something he's done that he can be proud of.

"A little while. Allura was going to show me how to use it, but we've been too busy."

She'd been too preoccupied with Lotor to remember her promise to show him the proper stance. None of the rest of the team knew about his sword, so Lance practiced alone, even though he had idea of what he was really supposed to be doing.

"I could show you," Keith offers earnestly, excitement flashing in his eyes. Something about his smile makes Lance furious, because how can someone be so happy while he's been so damn miserable.

"Are you sure you have time for that?" Lance snarls, harkening back to Keith's less than friendly greeting after reuniting with the team.

Keith recoils sharply with a gasp, hurt and concern both flashing in his eyes at once, and Lance knows this time he has to apologise.

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I didn't mean that. I didn't mean that at all," Lance repeats the apologies like a broken record, dropping his head and running his hands through his curly hair, "You're just trying to help, I'm sorry. There's no point in trying to teach me anyways. I won't be around long enough to…" he cuts himself off.

Keith's eyes grow large and frightened. He looks like he's confronting a wounded animal and he softly asks, "Lance… are you okay?"

Lance doesn't answer, because honestly he doesn't know.

"What do you mean, you won't be around? You're not- you're not thinking of-"

Great. Now he's convinced Keith he wants to off himself or something. Keith is jumping to all the wrong conclusions, and Lance knows he has to quickly assure him otherwise.

"Dios, no, Keith. Nothing like that. I wouldn't- you moron."

"Then… then what?"

Lance groans loudly, tugging at his hair. Keith is making him say all the things he promised to keep secret until they got back home. "Listen, when we get back to Earth… I'm staying there."

"What?"

"I don't belong out here, Keith! And don't tell me to leave the math to Pidge again, because I took the classes! They might have been in Spanish, but I can add! I know five lions is not equal to six pilots! One of us has to go, and it might as well be me!"

"Lance, we'll figure it out. You don't have to-"

Lance stands up with a force that makes the pilot's seat spin in his absence, "But I do! You were all right, I suck at flying! Allura's figured out Blue so fast, Shiro deserves Black, and Red, Red loves you! Do you know how hard it is to work with a Lion who wants someone else? Of course you don't! Everyone loves perfect Keith, he can do anything he puts his mind to! Who would want someone like stupid Lance, when you could have Keith?"

Keith pales, and jumps back as if he had been slapped. Lance knows he has gone too far again. This is why he should have never opened his stupid mouth in the first place. All his darkest thoughts are spilling out, and now he's insulting the one person who's taken the time to try and talk to him since the clone and Lotor joined the team.

"Lo siento, I'm sorry," Lance croaks, his voice barely a whisper, and he steps away from Keith, "I… I know you're not like that. I don't know why I said that." His back hits the wall, and he slides down to the ground, his lanky legs pulled into his chest.

Something warm trails down his cheek, and there goes his goal to stop being such a crybaby.

Keith crawls closer to Lance, but he seems hesitant. He looks like he's not really sure what he's doing. "Lance, I'm sorry. I didn't know you felt that way."

"I don't," Lance chokes out, but he's not entirely sure it's the truth, "I just… como digo esto… I'm just frustrated."

"It's okay. You didn't sign up for this mess."

Lance laughs, even though there's nothing funny about any of this. "You can say that again."

Keith settles on the floor next to Lance, slipping a hand into one of Lance's. There's a loud pop, a flash of light, and Keith's stupid dog appears. It curls up on the floor on top of their feet and a wave of comfort washes over Lance.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you listen to all my problems."

"It's alright. That's what friends are for."

Is that what they are? Friends? Lance doesn't feel so alone anymore, even as his body shakes with sobs.

"I just want to go home," he whispers.

"I know."

The two stare out Red's windshield, watching the stars slowly move around the tiny planet the team has landed on.

"It's gonna be okay." Keith says firmly.

And for one tiny moment, it is.

* * *

 **Notes:** Woah, lots of thoughts here, my longest one-shot yet. I totally headcanon curly haired Lance! My poor boy think he can deal with being isolated, but he really can't. I hope he gets lots of love in season seven, but given the show's track record, I'm not holding my breath.

Reviews would be appreciated!


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